The Olympic Basketball Committee chose the players that will represent the United States in the upcoming Olympics later this summer. The team is a good representation of America. Criminals who have survived the system thanks to the power of money.

The featured players on the squad have both been no strangers to public controversy. Kobe Bryant beat rape charges a few years back thanks to the woman he raped having a shadier disposition than Eminem.

Carmelo Anthony was also named to the team. Anthony is fresh off an arrest where he was caught drinking and driving. Ah, a true example of America at its finest. They were not the only criminals selected, however.

Jason Kidd has had problems in the past with his aggression. Not really problems, it's just that he likes to beat the sh*t out of his girlfriends and wives. That kind of aggression will serve the Americans good while having to play against other commie countries.

Of course, there are those on the team who have only committed minor crimes. Tim Duncan once peeled off a band aid when his mother told him not too. That resulted in a one week punishment.

Carlos Boozer and Chris Bosh were unfortunate enough to be in the wrong place one time when they were stuck in traffic for twenty minutes and Bosh continually honked his horn. While the most annoying of crimes, neither was charged in the incident.

Dwayne Wade has committed various crimes involving withholding the truth. Just this past season he claimed an injury just so he would not have to go through the embarrassment of playing for an awful Miami Heat team.

The lone non criminal in the group is Michael Redd. He commented on going to the Olympics with the others who were chosen. "Hey, we're basketball players. Most of us grew up in rough environments. So we raped a little, and lied, and drank, and smoked drugs. It is what it is. We're still the best players in the world. So if I got to be the lone clean American hoopster going to Beijing, who cares. As long as we win gold."

Coach Mike Krzyzewski echoed the sentiments of Redd. "If we wanted players who were gonna kiss the media's ass to trick the public into believing they were good guys, we would have brought Shaq and MJ. We chose players we thought could win us gold, regardless of how much of a criminal they all are."