Bill Shanker

We here at Sports Satire have gone line through line, not of the government programs that need to be cut, but of the list of candidates that would be a good fit in the White House. after concluding our research, we are now set to endorse Terrell Owens as the next President of the United States.

The country is in a tough way financially and needs a leader who knows how to deal with economic issues. Owens has proven time and again that he can create wealth.

The Chicago Cubs are in the playoffs again for the second year in a row. Someone should tell the Cubs that before they are swept away and there is no evidence that they ever existed in these playoffs.

The Los Angeles Dodgers are crushing the Cubs at Wrigley Field and it makes one wonder. Do the Cub players actually know they are in the playoffs? When asked that question several Cubs gave peculiar answers.

The NFL has become the most elite of sports. They do not care what time of year it is, they feel as though at any given time their league is the most important sports league in the United States and the world.

They are showing an example of this on Sunday when they have paid all television stations to black out all other programming for the entire day. They are doing this to ensure that only the NFL can be watched on their opening day.

The news of Tiger Woods' wife being pregnant again gives more credibility to the idea that Woods is the most talented athlete in the world. Not only is he the best golfer, but now it turns out he might be the best lover as well.

Woods' announcement that his wife is again pregnant shows just how athletically skilled he is. He has not been able to get back out on tour this year after his injury, but he still somehow has found the athleticism to make love.

Derek Jeter was out of the New York Yankees lineup on Wednesday night and there was a good reason according to his manager. Jeter, apparently so fed up with the self absorbed Alex Rodriguez, kicked A-Rod in the ass.

The kick was a good thing for the Yankees who needed someone to wake up A-Rod, but it comes at a difficult time for the team. They are struggling to keep their post season hopes alive.

Steve Smith was put in a tough situation this past weekend. The Carolina Panthers star wide receiver was hit with a two game suspension for a brawl that he was involved in with a fellow teammate.

Smith returned to practice on Monday and apologized for the incident. He claims that the apology was just a way to possibly get his suspension from the team lifted.

The PGA has filed a lawsuit against Tiger Woods where they are seeking injury compensation from the world's best golfer. The injury compensation suit comes on the heels of Woods having surgery and not playing on the PGA tour for the rest of the year.

Lawyers for the PGA are stating in the lawsuit that Woods' injury will severely hurt the financial status of the PGA for the rest of the year. They are claiming that Woods was selfish in his motives to come back from injury and compete at the U.S. Open.

Had he not played at the Open, tour officials claim that they would still have Woods to make appearances at the rest of the events this year.

Woods has decided to take the rest of the season off, a move he claims will be his new operating procedure once he wins a major. He said today that he feels like he has enough money, and he would rather just win a major and then sit out the rest of the season from now on.

There was speculation that Woods would be taking the rest of the season off to have surgery on his ailing knee. He put those rumors to rest this afternoon at a press conference.

Barry Bonds had his trial date set on Friday. He will stand trial on March 2nd of next year. That was the bad news for Bonds. Shortly after the judge set his trail date, the good news came down for Bonds.

Barack Obama called Bonds personally to tell him not to worry about the trial date. He told Bonds that if he does win the presidency, that one of his first moves would be to acquit Bonds.

Bonds called the phone call pleasant afterwards, and hopped in his car. When asked where he was going, he replied, "I'm going to drop off some cash for Barack, you know, for his war chest."

John Smoltz came back to the Braves bullpen earlier this week and tried to convince reporters that he was going to be "nasty" with his new arm angles. Now, two days later, Smoltz is in need of a personal injury attorney for the problems he has with his right arm.

Smoltz is claiming that the medical experts that were working with him on his arm injury, convinced him he would be "nasty" when he came back. On Monday, he returned to the Braves closer role only to give up the lead late in the game.

Afterwards, Smoltz expressed his desire for a personal injury attorney, claiming, "I went to the mound, and I knew right in warm ups that the doctors were wrong.

Kobe Bryant has come a long way as a leader this season. Now, with his team on the verge of their first championship since Shaq carried Kobe Bryant to a title, Bryant has reiterated his request from last summer to be traded.

Bryant has cited the fact that the Lakers post game food in the locker room has been racially inspired. The Lakers have denied the claim, and say that its not their fault that fried chicken and watermelon was the food of choice.

Bryant insists that if there were more white guys on the team like himself, they would serve steak and lobster. Bryant blames management for surrounding him with too many black basketball players.