Baseball Satire

The New York Yankees are used to winning and when they do not win, usually somebody has to pay the price. That somebody this time around may be new slugger Mark Teixeira.

The Yankees lost their first game of the year on Monday, and afterwards a visibly upset Hank Steinbrenner went on one of his patented rants. He spoke of how the season has been such a disappointment, and how some players were not safe to stay in the Bronx.

Major League Baseball took a page out of the playbook of the NFL on Tuesday when they announced that they would back Game 5 of the World Series up until Super Bowl Sunday.

The move was done by the commissioners office to ensure baseball fans that they will no longer accept football walking all over them. The NFL has for a long time now, disregarded any other sport when it came to boosting their own self image.

The New York Yankees have their newest member of their coddle stable. Pitcher Joba Chamberlain was arrested over the weekend after blowing enough alcohol into a breathalyzer to get the officer administering the test, drunk.

Owner Hank Steinbrenner did not go on his usual rant like he enjoys doing when in the spotlight. Instead, he played the Yankee family role, and Chamberlain plays the part of the child that can do no wrong.

Bill Cowher has not been a head coach for the past two seasons, but he almost became a manager. Even though the New York Mets have made Jerry Manuel their permanent manager after giving him a two year deal, Cowher was their first choice.

Yeah, it seems crazy that Cowher could have made the move to Major League Baseball from the NFL, but it also seems crazy that the Bush administration has put the nation in the jam it is in.

The Chicago Cubs are in the playoffs again for the second year in a row. Someone should tell the Cubs that before they are swept away and there is no evidence that they ever existed in these playoffs.

The Los Angeles Dodgers are crushing the Cubs at Wrigley Field and it makes one wonder. Do the Cub players actually know they are in the playoffs? When asked that question several Cubs gave peculiar answers.

It is one thing when the economy crumbles and the war in Iraq seems to have been going on for thirty years, but the Yankees not making the playoffs, that signals something is wrong with our country.

How cruel of a joke is it that the last game in Yankee Stadium was rendered meaningless. These are the Yankees. They are supposed to win. This country was not built for little teams like the Tampa Bay Rays to win the American League East.

The New York Yankees are not going to make the playoffs by their record in the regular season. Major League Baseball, however, did not want to have the playoffs without the Yankees in.

Therefore, the two have come to a compromise. The Yankees will be placed in the playoffs as an honorary team. They will not have to compete in the first two rounds, they will just go straight to the World Series.

The New York Mets have enjoyed such a tremendous turnaround after firing manager Willie Randolph, that the team has now vowed to make firing their manager an every year occurrence.

The Mets are in first place in the National League East and their turnaround from a poor started began shortly after Randolph was fired. They replaced him with bench coach Jerry Manuel, and have soared in the standings ever since.

There is just over a month left in the baseball season, and with the Yankees fading fast and instant replay making an appearance, their captain has had enough. Derek Jeter is asking Major League Baseball to have an instant replay on Alex Rodriguez.

Not actually A-rod the player, but the contract that he signed in the off season. The contract that was supposed to save the Yankees from having to suffer through the loss of their manager.

Tom Glavine has made a career out of working the corners of the plate. It turns out, however, that it does not matter how good your control is when your fastball is only thirty three miles per hour.

Glavine announced on Saturday that his season is over. His reasoning for shutting it down was simple, his fastball was no longer a fastball, it was a change up. There is nothing Glavine could do but face reality.

Derek Jeter was out of the New York Yankees lineup on Wednesday night and there was a good reason according to his manager. Jeter, apparently so fed up with the self absorbed Alex Rodriguez, kicked A-Rod in the ass.

The kick was a good thing for the Yankees who needed someone to wake up A-Rod, but it comes at a difficult time for the team. They are struggling to keep their post season hopes alive.

Prince Fielder apparently worked up an appetite when he shoved a fellow teammate in the dugout on Monday night. Fielder was seen at McDonald's shortly after the game and the word is that he ate thirty seven cheeseburgers.

Fielder ordered seven cheeseburgers with pickles only, ten with mayo and mustard, four with bacon, eight with tomatoes, and eight more with lettuce. What happened after that display was even more startling.

The New York Yankees made what seemed like a significant trade on Wednesday. They acquired future hall of famer Ivan Rodriguez from the Detroit Tigers, but after they lost to the Angels on Thursday, their George Steinbrenner wanna be owner Hank ranted during a press conference.

"What the hell was that? Our GM (Brian Cashman) goes and trades for a guy, and the next day we lose. What good is it to pick a guy up if we are going to lose with him. What a waste of a trade," said Steinbrenner.

Manny Ramirez has always been a bit of a wacky character, but his latest demand is way out of left field. Ramirez has asked the Boston Red Sox to begin negotiations with the New York Knicks involving a trade of the star outfielder.

It has become known in recent days that Ramirez wanted to leave the Sox, but up until now everyone believed it would just be to another baseball team. That is not the case, however, after he told the Red Sox that he wanted to leave the league all together.

Richie Sexson who was recently signed by the New York Yankees was a lucky man late Monday evening. Sexson avoided domestic abuse charges when his wife called the police.

The cops showed up at their home within ten minutes of the call from Sexson's wife. When they questioned her about the incident she explained what happened.

Mike Hampton made his first start in three years on Saturday and you would think somebody would have paid attention. Nope. That was not the case. Hampton started the game against the Philadelphia Phillies Saturday afternoon.

Upon taking the mound, it should have been a joyous occasion for Hampton. It was not. The Phillies pounded him and his poor outing will probably land him back on the disabled list. The Braves even gave him a huge lead to hold.

The New York Mets were backed into a corner they do not like being in after Thursday afternoon's victory over the Philadelphia Phillies. That corner is first place in the National League East.

Several Mets had a hard time dealing with the pressures that come with first place after the game. Both Carlos Beltran and Jose Reyes appeared physically shaken after their win on Thursday.

Beltran was trying to hold back tears as he spoke to reporters. "I can't believe we are back in first place. I don't want to be in this position.

Alex Rodriguez signed with a talent agent on Tuesday. That is not satire, that is the truth. There are times when the satire simply happens and does not have to be created. Rodriguez is hoping that the well known talent agency can find SOMETHING that they can market in A-Rod.

Outside of his recent scandal with Madonna, A-Rod has about as much personality as a pen. He has decided that it will now be up to the talent agency to do its job and find something to market.

Part of the contract he signed states.

Derek Jeter has come under fire from many Yankee fans of late for spitting too many times while he is out at his shortstop position. The fans feel he is disrespecting Yankee stadium by constantly spitting on it.

Jeter responded to the irate fans by claiming that spitting is just as much a part of the game of baseball as peanuts and hot dogs. Fans are not so sure, however. Many believe Jeter is telling former Yankees to go f**k themselves by spitting.

"I love the way Jeter plays the f**kin game, but why's he got to spit all the time. It's a sign of f**kin disrespect.

Josh Hamilton was having himself a dream of a night at the home run derby in New York on Monday. That was until a red jelly bean that he was using for luck was confiscated by men acting as Major League Baseball officials.

Hamilton was walking to the on deck circle after batting practice Monday when a fellow player noticed something small and oval shaped in his back pocket. The player, who wished to remain anonymous, claimed that he was looking at Hamilton's a** because he is gay.