Baseball Satire

There is something funny going on with these Tampa Bay Rays. No, it is not the fact that they are in first place in the American League East heading towards the all star break. It is the rat infestation going on in their locker room.

The rat problem stared back shortly after spring training when the team arrived for their home opener. It was then that Carl Crawford first saw a rat run across the carpet in the locker room.

American baseball has made a move towards signing Cuban defectors over the past few years. The age on these prospects has gotten considerably younger. On Thursday, Major League teams put a new policy in effect that will allow them to bid on Cuban babies.

The New York Yankees began the process by bidding $2.5 million for Arestes Gonzalez. Although he is only two years old, Yankee scouts believe he could develop into one of the best right fielders in baseball in eighteen years.

The Oakland A's got in on the bidding when they offered $300,000 for a slick fielding one year old named Esteban Cruz. Cruz is currently in diapers.

Today saw a wide range of drama involving Barry Bonds' record breaking home run ball. First it was sold to the Hall of Fame, then it wasn't, then it was again. In the end, the proper decision was made on what to do with the ball.

Barry Bonds' 756th home run ball will be delivered to Wrigley field in Chicago where one lucky fan in the outfield seats will get to throw the ball back on the field. It is a customary practice at Wrigley to throw home run balls of the opposing team back onto the field.

The New York Mets and the New York Yankees have been banned by Major League Baseball from being shown on national television for one year. Every game that has ever been played between the two teams has been on national television and MLB has had enough.

It used to be that the game of the week would actually be just that, the best game of that particular week. Now, the Saturday national telecast on FOX has simply been an extension of New York, Boston, and Chicago local sports stations.

The powers that be in the NCAA that govern college baseball have decided to make a rule change for next year. They have come to the conclusion that there is not enough excitement associated with the current game, so they are making a drastic move.

They have decided that starting next year, racquetballs will be used instead of baseballs. The theory is that home runs in college may now travel up to 900 feet when you combine the racquetballs with the aluminum bats that are used in college baseball.

Major League Baseball has made a monumental move this weekend involving instant replay. Commissioner Bud Selig has announced that the league will use instant replay, not for judging whether balls are home runs or not, but for catching suspected steroid users.

The league began experimenting with the new replay system using players that are now retired. The way it works is they go back and review film of players early in their career. Then, they view tapes from later in that players career. If the player looks like a before and after picture for a gym, he immediately is accused of using steroids.

Ken Griffey Jr. has been waiting for this moment for a while now. On Monday, the pressure was finally relieved from Griffey after he hit home run #600 at Dolphin Stadium in Miami.

The home run was a towering shot, and as Griffey rounded the bases a thunderous ovation came from the sixteen people in attendance. The actual paid attendance for the game was thirty, but fourteen people did not show thanks to the perfect weather in Florida on Monday.

General Manager Brian Cashman said after the game that if Joba's arm reacted well after Sunday's outing, that they might let Chamberlain go out to dinner by himself on the next Yankee road trip. Up until now, the Yanks only allowed him to travel outside the team hotel with a chaperon who was over thirty years old.

Chamberlain claims that he would like to have the additional freedom, but that it is kind of nice to have his parents, the Yankees, make his lunch for him. While Chamberlain is enjoying the treatment from the Yankees, Hall of Famer Willie Mays has seen enough.

The Boston Red Sox and Tampa Bay Rays had a bench clearing brawl on Thursday night. It was the second brawl of the season this year for the Rays, who also brawled in spring training with the Yankees.

On Friday, the reasons for the brawl were revealed by several players, and ironically, the reason's were similar in both situations.

Carl Crawford, who was one of the players involved in the brawl, claims the whole battle began over sunflower seeds. He says that him and catcher Jason Varitek were having a debate over which seeds they ate. Varitek likes Planters, while Crawford prefers David.

Barry Bonds had his trial date set on Friday. He will stand trial on March 2nd of next year. That was the bad news for Bonds. Shortly after the judge set his trail date, the good news came down for Bonds.

Barack Obama called Bonds personally to tell him not to worry about the trial date. He told Bonds that if he does win the presidency, that one of his first moves would be to acquit Bonds.

Bonds called the phone call pleasant afterwards, and hopped in his car. When asked where he was going, he replied, "I'm going to drop off some cash for Barack, you know, for his war chest."

In a stunning and unprecedented move on Tuesday, the New York Yankees have sold all everything third baseman Alex Rodriguez to an art collector. The collector is said to have paid 200 billion for the purchase.

Originally, John Salmon called the Steinbrenners to inquire about buying the whole franchise. After talking to Hank Steinbrenner, Salmon was convinced that the only item worth anything on the team would be Alex Rodriguez.

After agreeing to the slae of Rodriguez, the two sides then got down to negotiations. Steinbrenner only agreed to the $200 billion price after Salmon assured him that the Yankee jersey that Rodriguez wore would stay with the team.