Football Satire

The Denver Broncos have decided that they must trade their All Pro quarterback Jay Cutler, but before any deal can be made, Cutler's agent wants his clients contract to be restructured. The details of their demands were revealed on Tuesday evening.

First, and most importantly, agent Bus Cook is angling to have a clause put in the contract that would allow for an unlimited number of pacifiers to be delivered to Cutler's locker before every game. On the pacifiers, Cutler's number and first and last name must appear.

The Penn State Nittany Lions appear headed to an undefeated season. If they complete the perfect regular season, they will be in line to play in the BCS National Championship game.

Today, Nittany Lions head coach Joe Paterno received good news about that potential trip. If the Nittany Lions play in the title game, Paterno will be coaching in style. He will be watching, uh, I mean, coaching, the game in style.

Brett Favre is not happy that the Green Bay Packers handled him the way they did in the off season. He has vowed that he will get back at the team by his play on the field, but it is his words that are resonating throughout Wisconsin.

Favre did the unimaginable on Wednesday when he revealed personal knowledge about his former owner. He told a writer conducting the interview that the owner of the Packers likes cats. It was a shocking revelation.

We here at Sports Satire have gone line through line, not of the government programs that need to be cut, but of the list of candidates that would be a good fit in the White House. after concluding our research, we are now set to endorse Terrell Owens as the next President of the United States.

The country is in a tough way financially and needs a leader who knows how to deal with economic issues. Owens has proven time and again that he can create wealth.

All of the talk of Tony Romo being tough has apparently went to the Cowboy Quarterback's head. He has said he is going to play on Sunday despite a broken finger. Teammates have urged him to take some time off.

Romo feels like he has to show off in front of girlfriend Jessica Simpson. He was caught on tape telling Simpson what a tough guy he is. "A little broken finger can't keep me off the field, baby," he said.

The Cleveland Browns have suddenly thrown a monkey wrench in all playoff plans for the AFC. It now appears that after the Browns whooped up on the New York Giants on Monday night that Cleveland and the Dawg Pound are heading to the playoffs.

Forget the fact that their record is 2-3. Forget, also, that they have not been a very good team this season. They beat the defending Super Bowl Champions. That fact, coupled with some other facts from this past week of the NFL, equals the Browns going to the playoffs.

No matter what the college football season tries to do to keep down USC and Ohio State, they just keep coming back. They are the animal in the movies that simply cannot be killed.

Every fan outside of Southern California dreads the words I am about to say. USC and Ohio State are going back to the title game. They can not be kept down and they will not be denied.

The Cincinnati Bengals have gotten soo bad that they are calling for a game between them and the other losers in the league, the Detroit Lions. The game would take place not on a field, but at a dump.

The game would feature advertisements by several big name companies including Waste Management and Charmin. Each would have five thirty second spots on television. The game would not be shown on regular television, either.

The NFL is the elitist of leagues in America. They do not care about, nor give credence to, any other sport. They do what they want, when they want and if that means overshadowing other sports, then so be it.

This week, the league is thinking about moving one of their games to a 10PM start. The reason for doing this would be simple. Try and overshadow the baseball playoffs.

Miami has the Dolphins, the greatest football team. They take the ball, from goal to goal, like no one's ever seen. Their in the air, their on the ground, their always in control. And when you say Miami, you're talking Super Bowl.

That is the theme song for the Miami Dolphins. actually, it is the theme song for the old Houston Oilers, but the Dolphins stole it successfully. We here at SS have been touting a Buffalo Bills appearance in the Super Bowl. We don't care that there is still three quarters of the season left, we simply pick the team every week we think will win the whole thing.

Now that both USC and Ohio State have had crushing defeats, who is left to play in the National Championship game? Can the game even survive without the two teams that many predicted would be playing for the title before the season began.

Once again, the importance of the preseason polls were on display Thursday night when Oregon State disposed of supposedly one of the best teams that Pete Carroll has ever had at USC. Wow, the best team ever, and they lose a game in the first quarter of the season.

O.K. Bills fans, I have jumped on your banwagon, but there is a threat brewing over there on the NFC side. The Bills, while once again showing why they are the best team in the AFC, have to be concerned about their eventual opponent in the Super Bowl.

At first we though it might be the Bears, but they have fizzled the past two weeks. Then we here at SS jumped on the Panthers bandwagon. That wagon lost its wheels in a stunning loss on Sunday.

The NFL has become an extremely violent sport. What used to be played by beer guzzling athletes is now played by fierce warriors. That is the image the NFL wants to send to its fans.

Or is it? Commissioner Roger Goodell today announced that he would like to curb some of the anger that leads to injuries in the league. He would like to take out some of the violence.

The Buffalo Bills have become unstoppable in the first two weeks of the season, now they have set their sights on the 1972 Dolphins record of a perfect season. The Bills are headed towards the Super Bowl.

For the second consecutive week the Bills have dominated an opponent. This was the kind of demolition that happens only when a team is on their way to the promised land.

So what will become of the loser of the USC, Ohio State football game this weekend. Chances are that the loser will be heading down a path that will lead to the end of the world as they know it.

College football is big, so big in fact, that games like the one coming up on Saturday night could have devastating effects on the loser. To the winner go the spoils, and to the loser goes, well, the spoiled food.

The Chicago Bears and the Buffalo Bills came into the NFL season with many question marks, but after the first week of the year, they have answered all their questions.

The two teams are now heading towards a collision course in the Super Bowl. Even though there are still fifteen regular season games left, it does not appear that anything will stop the Bears and the Bills.

The NFL has become the most elite of sports. They do not care what time of year it is, they feel as though at any given time their league is the most important sports league in the United States and the world.

They are showing an example of this on Sunday when they have paid all television stations to black out all other programming for the entire day. They are doing this to ensure that only the NFL can be watched on their opening day.

The Dallas Cowboys have been extremely impressed with the attention that Chad Ocho Cinco has received since changing his name from Johnson. In order to get some of that attention themselves, they too have decided to change their name.

Jerry Jones, the Cowboys owner, has announced that he will be changing their team name to the Dallas Numero Unos beginning with this weekends opener. The league has been scrambling to change merchandise before the weekend.

A fantasy football owner from East Lansing, Michigan, has contacted the Atlanta Falcons about possibly buying the team. He claims that he has dominated his league for several years and believes he could be a better owner than the Falcons current regime.

Brian Delaney has a system. That is what friends say about the man who has won the CrawDaddy League four years in a row. Delaney himself believes that he has something that other owners in his league do not possess.

The Florida Gators have brought schedule padding to a new level on Friday. The Gators announced that they have signed on to play a Pee Wee football team from the Gainesville area in next season's opener.

The Pee Wee team came to the Gator athletic department looking for ways that they could raise money for uniforms and various other expenses that the league had to pay for. At first, Florida's AD agreed to donate some money.