Football Satire

The Chicago Bears have made an unprecedented move today. They have decided to go into the NFL season with no starting quarterback. With nobody emerging as a candidate for the starting job, coach Lovie Smith has decided on nobody.

"We just do not have anyone worthy of putting under center at this time. If I had to make a decision I would simply quit because there is nobody in this camp that can lead this team," said Smith at a news conference announcing his decision.

The NFL will do just about anything to receive attention and the same can be said for their NFL Network. The station that continually shows any game where the final score finished within three points has now gone over the edge.

The NFL has announced that they will be offering preseason awards after the last game of the preseason. The awards show will be televised live on the NFL Network, but subscribers must make concessions if they want to watch the show.

Brett Favre was introduced to the New York media yesterday, and he was a bit confused when he showed up for the press conference. Favre agreed to the trade to send him away from the Packers, but he claims he was confused as to which team he was joining.

Originally, Favre said in the news conference, he thought he was being traded to the New York Mets. He told reporters that his agent informed him he would be joining the Mets.

Steve Smith was put in a tough situation this past weekend. The Carolina Panthers star wide receiver was hit with a two game suspension for a brawl that he was involved in with a fellow teammate.

Smith returned to practice on Monday and apologized for the incident. He claims that the apology was just a way to possibly get his suspension from the team lifted.

Jimmie Johnson won at the Indianapolis Speedway on Sunday. The big news, however, came after the race when Johnson announced that he was once again going back into coaching.

Johnson retired from the NFL after coaching a few seasons with the Miami Dolphins. In the time after he retired, he reinvented himself as a top of the line NASCAR driver. Up until now he had not missed coaching.

Brett Favre has announced that he will report to Packers training camp this weekend. Once he gets there, he will be in for a shock from the team. They have instructed that Favre wear an orange jersey when he is out on the field.

The orange jersey will represent that Favre must be there, but that the Packers do not consider him part of the training camp. The rest of the players reporting have been told to act as if anyone with an orange jersey does not even exist.

Favre will be one of two men that will be wearing the orange jersey. The other is the water boy. Neither of which appear to be hurt by having to wear the orange jersey.

The New Orleans Saints announced on Monday that they have completed a deal for New York Giants tight end Jeremy Shockey. The Saints announced at the same news conference that Shockey will not play for the Saints, he will be their resident drunk mascot.

The Saints are trying to get closer to their fan base. The move for Shockey does not come as a complete surprise. They will use Shockey on Tuesday and Thursday nights to go out and get drunk with their fans in bars.

He has been instructed that he must then find any reporter he can find and shout obscenities into their cameras. The new job the Saints have given him is not too far off from the job he had with the Giants.

Jason Taylor told the Miami Dolphins that he wanted to be traded. He claimed that he could get his dancing career off the ground better in a city where the weather was not as humid as Miami.

On Sunday the Dolphins completed a deal to send Taylor to the Washington Redskins. Once there on Monday, Taylor will begin working out with his new teammates. Before any of that happens, a contract will have to be worked out with the Redskins.

It has been reported that in the deal Taylor wants sixteen dance lessons paid for by the team. They will be held during mini camp, a camp in which Taylor would not have to attend under the deal.

After spending a couple of months at home with his family, Brett Favre has decided that he is ready to go back to the NFL. He claims the few months alone with his family made him see the light.

Favre said in a statement released on Tuesday that he would rather go out and get knocked around by 300 pound linebackers than have to spend another day with his family. The stress from his wife has been overwhelming this summer.

"At one point, she asked me to take out the garbage. That's when I knew I had to get back on the field. I mean, I'm Brett Favre, not a damn garbage man," said Favre.

Tony Stewart is parting ways with racing team owner Joe Gibbs after the two decided they could no longer work together. Stewart has already become vindictive by announcing he is planning to play for the Washington Redskins next season.

Stewart has never played professional football but is certain he can make the switch from NASCAR to the NFL. He has not yet declared what position he will be playing with the Redskins.

Stewart and Gibbs were in a heated argument.

Michael Vick has been heard teasing his fellow inmates as of late about money. Although he claimed bankruptcy today somehow from jail, he still knows he has much loot when he gets out.

Vick filed bankruptcy based on the money that the government thinks he has, not on his actual earnings. He was overheard telling a prison buddy that he has twenty million dollars stored away from dog fights.

When Vick first got to jail and everyone was telling story's of why they were there, Vick did not say it was for bankrolling a dog fighting operation.

Adam 'Pacman' Jones has been through a lot of off field incidents over the past several years since he joined the NFL. Last month, he changed football teams, and now he wants a name change.

Jones has been known as 'Pacman' to many of his teammates, friends and fans for years now. He claims that he has outgrown the nickname, and wants fans to start calling him, 'Atari'.

Pacman, he says, is too small for his big time ego. He claims it only represents one video game, and that he should represent something bigger.

Chad Johnson, who had threatened to hold out from reporting to camp with the Cincinnati Bengals arrived on Thursday. He claims he changed his mind about the hold out when he realized he would miss the free food.

It is customary for players to receive free food in the locker room during camp. Johnson had said he was going to stay away from camp unless the Bengals traded him, but the lure of the free food was too great.

"I'm an eating man. I like my food, and although I have the money to eat at any restaurant I want, I figured I'd punish the Bengals by showing up and eating as much of their food as I can," said Johnson, looking unusually big on his first day of camp.

Adam "Pacman" Jones was partially reinstated by the NFL on Monday. The move clearly shows the power of the Dallas Cowboys organization within the league.

Upon hearing the news, Jones was so overcome with joy, that he decided to go out and celebrate. Grabbing his handgun, and some singles from the bank, Jones headed out towards Las Vegas.

Once in Las Vegas, witnesses saw Jones enter one of his favorite strip clubs. He "made it rain" dollar bills for most of the night, according to one observer. He also tried his best, according to the anonymous person, to start fights with several different men.

Jason Taylor has already began his transition from professional football into entertainment. His recent appearance on 'Dancing With The Stars' showed just how much Taylor wants to be in the limelight.

His move on Sunday, however, solidified any doubts that he is preparing for his career as an actor. Taylor's agent has sent a letter to the NFL asking that next season, all the games be played with no contact.

The letter states that should Taylor be injured on the field, he could permanently damage his acting career. He is seeking for just a one year exception from any contact in games in which the Dolphins are playing.