General Sports Satire

The United States has become so cocky about their ability to be superior to the world in every sport that they have suggested a change to the current format for the Ryder Cup. They will now not only take on Europe, but the whole world.

The current format has United States golfers taking on golfers from all the different European countries. While they are just one country, they still find it necessary to play against golfers from many countries.

The news of Tiger Woods' wife being pregnant again gives more credibility to the idea that Woods is the most talented athlete in the world. Not only is he the best golfer, but now it turns out he might be the best lover as well.

Woods' announcement that his wife is again pregnant shows just how athletically skilled he is. He has not been able to get back out on tour this year after his injury, but he still somehow has found the athleticism to make love.

Oscar De La Hoya has agreed to fight Manny Pacquiao, but he has put a few stipulations in the contract. He will only get into the ring with Pacquiao if both men are wearing tights.

De La Hoya has already admitted to liking wearing the tight around the house, but now he said for his last fight he would like the world to see what he looks like in the tights.

He did say that he would wear a traditional color of either red or blue, and that his opponent would get to chose from another color. Pacquiao only agreed to wearing the tights because he wants to beat the sh*t out of De La Hoya.

This article is just being written to inform people that the sport of golf still exists. Tiger Woods has not played in several months, so it seems like nobody cares about golf anymore.

Truth is, they don't. Vijay Singh won a golf tournament over this past weekend, but nobody cares. If Woods is not playing, then there is no reason to follow the game of golf, according to some experts.

There has been proof that has emerged in the case against He Kexin, the Chinese gymnast that won the gold medal in Beijing. The gymnast has come under fire for her age as of late. Today, proof in the form of her mother claims she is only seven.

Her mother told the press in an interview that her daughter was only seven years old and that she should not have even been out of the house on the night she won gold. She claims to have grounded He the day before.

Han Solo had a long bout with Jabba the Hutt, but nothing that happened back then can prepare her for what she will face on Thursday. Solo is getting ready to lead the American soccer team into battle against Brazil for the gold medal at the Olympics.

Beijing has never seen such a character as Solo. Last year, she was kicked off the American team for comments made after her backup, Brianna Scurry, was torched for four goals against this Brazil team.

Michael Phelps is an extraordinary athlete. So extraordinary in fact, that he is trying to complete a feat that has never even been attempted in the history of the Olympics. He is trying to win every individual gold medal that is available.

So far, so good for Phelps, although all he has done up until now at the Beijing Olympics is prove that he is the best in the water. His next two attempts at gold will be much more challenging.

Tiger Woods completed another stellar round from the couch on Sunday to pull away and win the PGA Championship. It was his second consecutive major championship since he had surgery on his leg.

Woods was granted an exception from the PGA that allowed him to play the tournament via satellite on his Sony PlayStation. His first round was strong, but the second and third rounds were lackluster. Woods blamed those two rounds on too much Madden the night before.

Tiger Woods may be on the shelf with an injury, but that is not stopping him from still setting records. After winning the British Open without even playing at the course, Woods has once again put himself in position to win another major.

Woods has a three stroke lead after the first day of the PGA Championship. Woods, dressed in a red pair of pajamas played brilliantly from the couch on Thursday. He now will try and hold the lead in day two.

The Beijing games are just about to get under way this weekend and athletes from all around the world were annoyed with the host country on Wednesday. It seems that all restaurants in China have run out of fortune cookies.

Many superstitious athletes were stunned on Wednesday when they arrived in Chinese restaurants looking for their final meals before beginning preparations to compete. No matter which restaurants they ate at, there were no fortune cookies to be found.

Tiger Woods is not physically able to participate in this week's British Open, but that has not stopped him from having a share of the lead after the first round. Woods used his, 'I am the greatest golfer' exemption to enter the tournament via Sony PlayStation.

While the rest of the field had to battle terrible weather conditions on the tournament's first day, Woods had no such problems. He simply set his game to perfect weather and went out and shot a -12 for the day.

Usually the PGA does not allow players to play from their homes, but they needed the ratings that Woods generates.

Venus Williams disposed of her younger sister Serena in the Wimbledon finals on Saturday, leaving the younger Williams to go pouting to her father.

Serena Williams has always been a baby, according to Venus, and after the match she reiterated that point to reporters. "After the match, she told me she was going to tell Daddy on me, and I told her she was a sore loser," said the elder Williams.

Serena claims that Venus kicked her and pulled her hair on the night before the finals. She also said that Venus locked her in the bathroom for several hours while critiquing tape of her tennis abilities.

Scotty Nguyen, fresh off of his victory at the World Series of Poker, turned his attention to Phil Ivey and a game of Go Fish. Nguyen challenged Ivey while the two were playing in a heads up hand at the WSOP this past weekend.

"If you are such a great card player," Nguyen told Ivey while waiting for a call in a hand of No-Limit Hold'em, "then why don't you and me play a game of Go Fish, with the winner taking, say, ....$100,000."

Ivey was slow to react to Nguyens challenge, but after thinking about it, he accepted.

The German soccer team felt like they had shamed their entire country. After losing to Spain on Sunday in the Euro 2008 soccer championships, the team and their fellow countrymen must move to the United States.

In a bet that was made between the German government and the government from Spain, the loser of Sunday's game would have to move everyone in their country to America. The bet stated that punishment for losing would be to go to a country that disrespects the game of soccer.

Since America is the only country in the world that disrespects the game, all Germans must now move to America. Having to move to the United States was more of a punishment than losing the game, according to some German players.

Turkey has been one of the surprise teams at this year's Euro 2008. They have battled through some difficult matches, but Friday's epic match with Croatia will forever be known as the Popsicle game.

Representatives from both Croatia and Turkey got together before the start of Friday's Euro 2008 quarter-finals match. The goal was to find an alternative way to end a tie game other than penalty kicks. 

A representative from Denmark suggested that since both teams would most likely be exhausted after regulation and overtime, the game should come down to a Popsicle eating contest.

Woods has decided to take the rest of the season off, a move he claims will be his new operating procedure once he wins a major. He said today that he feels like he has enough money, and he would rather just win a major and then sit out the rest of the season from now on.

There was speculation that Woods would be taking the rest of the season off to have surgery on his ailing knee. He put those rumors to rest this afternoon at a press conference.

Tiger Woods secured himself another major golf title on Monday afternoon, but the real story was who he thought he was playing. Woods said after the victory that he thought he was playing against Rocky Raccoon, a fictional character made up by the Beatles.

When told that he was actually playing against Rocco Mediate, he appeared stunned. "I was wondering the whole day why he did not even crack a smile when I was humming Beatles tunes," said Woods, who was physically shaken by the incident.

The Italians are well known for their fascination with eating. That fascination may have cost them in their first round game with the Netherlands a couple of days ago.

The Italian team has issued a statement that they feel they were wronged before that match with the Netherlands. They claim that someone snuck into their locker room and secretly exchanged their traditional pre-game meal of Rigatoni Bolognese with Ragu and egg noodles.

The claim could be warranted for anyone who saw the Italians play that game. They looked lethargic, and malnourished.

While the US Open golf tournament officials thought they were making improvements to the first two rounds of their golf tournament, Tiger Woods has created a controversy in the media with a quote from Wednesday afternoon.

Woods was speaking at a benefit for Kids in Distress when the issue of playing alongside Mickelson came up. He answered the question in the only way he knew how. Turns out his words may have been misrepresented by the media.

"I like playing with Phil. He brings out the best in me.

Big Brown completed one of the most dominating runs through the triple crown races on Saturday by winning the Belmont Stakes. his trainers were quick to thank the one group responsible for his win at the Belmont.

After the race was complete and ABC had there first chance to interview the trainer for Big Brown, the comments he made was geared towards thanking Elmers Glue. The glue company did a tremendous job in gluing together Big Brown's hoof on Friday.